In part 1 of the co-parenting series

we looked at Deborah Serani’s “Do’s” of co-parenting from her article The Do’s and Don’ts of Co-Parenting Well.

Remember that a divorce or break-up doesn’t end the parenting relationship with the other parent of your children.  You will be involved with that person for the rest of your children’s lives. Think of all the ballet recitals and softball games, graduations, weddings, and grandbabies that are in your child’s future. You and the other parent (and probably both of your future spouses and other children) will be in each other’s lives for a very long time. Here are Ms. Serani’s “Don”s” of co-parenting:

        Don’t

  • Don’t burden your child. Emotionally charged issues about your Ex should never be part of your parenting. Never sabotage your child’s relationship with your Ex by trash talking. Never use your child to gain information about things going on or to sway your Ex about an issue. The main thing here is this: Don’t expose children to conflict. Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities. 
  • Don’t jump to conclusions or condemn your Ex. When you hear things from your children that make you bristle, take a breath and remain quiet. Remember that any negative comments your children make are often best taken with a grain of salt. It’s always good to remain neutral when things like this happen. Research shows that your child can learn to resent and distrust you if you cheer them on.
  • Don’t be an unbalanced parent. Resist being the fun guy or the cool mom when your children are with you. Doing so backfires once they return to your Ex – and sets into motion a cycle of resentment, hostility and a reluctance to follow rules for all involved. Remember that children develop best with a united front. Co-parenting with a healthy dose of fun, structure and predictability is a win-win for everyone.
  • Don’t give into guilt. Divorce is a painful experience, and one that conjures up many emotions. Not being in your child’s life on a full time basis can cause you to convert your guilt into overindulgence. Understand the psychology of parental guilt – and how to recognize that granting wishes without limits is never good. Research shows that children can become self-centered, lack empathy and believe in the need to get unrealistic entitlement from others. Confusion understanding the dynamics of need versus want, as well as taming impulsivity becomes troublesome for children to negotiate too.
  • Don’t punish your Ex by allowing your child to wiggle out of responsibility. Loosening the reigns because you just want to be a thorn in your Ex’s side is a big no-no. "I know Mommy likes you to get your homework done first, but you can do that later." "Don’t tell Daddy I gave you the extra money to buy the video game you’ve been working towards." If you need to get your negative emotions out, find another outlet. Voodoo dolls, skeet shooting and kick boxing can yield the same results, but with less of a parenting mess. Remember, work before play is a golden rule – and one that will help your child throughout their lifetime. Making sure to be consistent helps your child transition back and forth from your Ex – and back and forth to you too. 
  • Don’t accuse. Discuss. Never remain quiet if something about your Ex’s co-parenting is troubling you. If you don’t have a good personal relationship with your Ex, create a working business arrangement. Communication about co-parenting is extremely vital for your child’s healthy development. No finger pointing or you-keep-doing-this kind of talk. The best approach when communicating is to make your child the focal point: "I see the kids doing this-and-that after they return home from their visit. Any ideas of what we can do?" Notice there’s not one "you" word in there. No accusatory tone or finger-pointing either.

Co-parenting is the real custody, part 1 of 2

 

 

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Photo of Michelle O'Neil Michelle O'Neil

Michelle May O’Neil has 27 years’ experience representing small business owners, professionals, and individuals in litigation related to family law matters such as divorce, child custody, and complex property division. Described by one lawyer as “a lethal combination of sweet-and-salty”, Ms. O’Neil exudes…

Michelle May O’Neil has 27 years’ experience representing small business owners, professionals, and individuals in litigation related to family law matters such as divorce, child custody, and complex property division. Described by one lawyer as “a lethal combination of sweet-and-salty”, Ms. O’Neil exudes genuine compassion for her client’s difficulties, yet she can be relentless when in pursuit of a client’s goals. One judge said of Ms. O’Neil, “She cannot be out-gunned, out-briefed, or out-lawyered!”

Family Law Specialist

Ms. O’Neil became a board-certified family law specialist by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization in 1997 and has maintained her certification since that time. While representing clients in litigation before the trial court is an important part of her practice, Ms. O’Neil also handles appellate matters in the trial court, courts of appeals and Texas Supreme Court. Lawyers frequently consult with Ms. O’Neil on their litigation cases about specialized legal issues requiring particularized attention both at the trial court and appellate levels. This gives her a unique perspective and depth of perception that benefits both her litigation and appellate clients.

Top Lawyers in Texas and America

Ms. O’Neil has been named to the list of Texas SuperLawyers for many years, 2011-2018, a peer-voted honor given to only about 5% of the lawyers in the state of Texas. In 2014-2018, Ms. O’Neil received the special honor of being named by Texas SuperLawyers as one of the Top 50 Women Lawyers in Texas, Top 100 Lawyers in Texas, and Top 100 Lawyers in DFW. She was named one of the Best Lawyers in America for 2016 and received an “A-V” peer review rating by Martindale-Hubbell Legal Directories for the highest quality legal ability and ethical standards.

Author and Speaker

A noted author, Ms. O’Neil released her second book Basics of Texas Divorce Law in November 2010, with a second edition released in 2013, and a third edition expected in 2015.  Her first book, All About Texas Law and Kids, was published in September 2009 by Texas Lawyer Press. In 2012, Ms. O’Neil co-authored the booklets What You Need To Know About Common Law Marriage In Texas and Social Study Evaluations.  The State Bar of Texas and other providers of continuing education for attorneys frequently enlist Ms. O’Neil to provide instruction to attorneys on topics of her expertise in the family law arena.