15. “Ah yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

14. “The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” – Johnny Carson

13. “The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” – Woody Allen

12. “I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

11. “To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy mansion for a while.” – James Caan

 

10. “I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” – Bette Davis

9. “She cried – and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville

8. “I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.” – Lenny Clarke

7. “I look a divorce this way: it’s better to have loved and lost, then to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.” – Steve McGrew

6. “Marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.” – Larry Gelbart

 

5. “Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.” – Rich Vos

4. “Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.” – Dave Mordal

3. “What happened? Satan was busy?” – Sam Kinison on finding out his wife had hired lawyer Marvin Mitchelson to represent her in her divorce case against him.

2. “I can’t take his genius any more.” – Rita Hayworth on why she divorced Orson Welles

1. “You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.” – Willie Nelson
 

The 15 Funniest Quotes About Divorce
Darndivorce.com <– I love this site!

Thank you to Whip It Out Comedy for their hilarious collection of divorce quotes.

Print:
EmailTweetLikeLinkedIn
Photo of Michelle O'Neil Michelle O'Neil

Michelle May O’Neil has 27 years’ experience representing small business owners, professionals, and individuals in litigation related to family law matters such as divorce, child custody, and complex property division. Described by one lawyer as “a lethal combination of sweet-and-salty”, Ms. O’Neil exudes…

Michelle May O’Neil has 27 years’ experience representing small business owners, professionals, and individuals in litigation related to family law matters such as divorce, child custody, and complex property division. Described by one lawyer as “a lethal combination of sweet-and-salty”, Ms. O’Neil exudes genuine compassion for her client’s difficulties, yet she can be relentless when in pursuit of a client’s goals. One judge said of Ms. O’Neil, “She cannot be out-gunned, out-briefed, or out-lawyered!”

Family Law Specialist

Ms. O’Neil became a board-certified family law specialist by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization in 1997 and has maintained her certification since that time. While representing clients in litigation before the trial court is an important part of her practice, Ms. O’Neil also handles appellate matters in the trial court, courts of appeals and Texas Supreme Court. Lawyers frequently consult with Ms. O’Neil on their litigation cases about specialized legal issues requiring particularized attention both at the trial court and appellate levels. This gives her a unique perspective and depth of perception that benefits both her litigation and appellate clients.

Top Lawyers in Texas and America

Ms. O’Neil has been named to the list of Texas SuperLawyers for many years, 2011-2018, a peer-voted honor given to only about 5% of the lawyers in the state of Texas. In 2014-2018, Ms. O’Neil received the special honor of being named by Texas SuperLawyers as one of the Top 50 Women Lawyers in Texas, Top 100 Lawyers in Texas, and Top 100 Lawyers in DFW. She was named one of the Best Lawyers in America for 2016 and received an “A-V” peer review rating by Martindale-Hubbell Legal Directories for the highest quality legal ability and ethical standards.

Author and Speaker

A noted author, Ms. O’Neil released her second book Basics of Texas Divorce Law in November 2010, with a second edition released in 2013, and a third edition expected in 2015.  Her first book, All About Texas Law and Kids, was published in September 2009 by Texas Lawyer Press. In 2012, Ms. O’Neil co-authored the booklets What You Need To Know About Common Law Marriage In Texas and Social Study Evaluations.  The State Bar of Texas and other providers of continuing education for attorneys frequently enlist Ms. O’Neil to provide instruction to attorneys on topics of her expertise in the family law arena.