Dallas Divorce Law Blog : Dallas Texas Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : O'Neil Attorneys Law Firm : TX Child Support & Custody Issues

Sometimes separated or divorced parents are keen to work out a good shared parenting arrangement but are discouraged by the prejudices of friends or professionals. We will unravel some common myths about shared parenting in order to help those parents get past such objections.

MYTH: Kids need to spend most of their time in one home

Reality: This is an understandable leftover from hopes that our marriage would thrive and our kids would be in one happy home and an unquestioned presumption of many lawyers and counselors. It’s a view that seriously underestimates the adaptability of children and fails to appreciate what is really important for them. The stability that children need is more than geographical. It is emotional stability the stability of meaningful, continuing relationships. The emotional stability that’s critical for a child’s healthy development comes not only from ongoing relationships with parents, but also from their community. The child’s world is those relationships that arise from associations and the sense of belonging that these important connections bring.

MYTH: Kids need to know where they live and not be going back and forth

Reality: A clear, simple parenting plan plus goodwill from both parents will quickly get children into a routine. Breaking up a week into smaller chunks may mean that parents don’t go long without seeing their children, but it may also mean children are constantly changing over. Changeovers are often the hardest time, so lean toward a pattern that has the fewest changeovers, except for very small children.

Q: No sooner are my children settled with me than they have to gear up to change again. Is it better if the children stay in one place and the parents rotate?

A: It needs a dependable communication system to assist with smooth changeovers and a high degree of dedication and positive spirit. If they are staying in the family home where they have been living, this may only be possible for a time as the home may have to be sold for your financial settlement. Maybe you should initially consider two- or three-week blocks of time to allow for a proper settling-in before the children have to uproot themselves again.

MYTH: Infants under three shouldn’t spend nights away from Mom

Reality: This view was based on outdated theory and is contrary to recent research. Attachment theory tended to emphasize the exclusivity of the maternal bond and its continuity as being crucial to healthy development. There is no consistent evidence that a night with their father is going to cause harm. If children are well attached to the other caretaker (Dad), they should soon become used to him coming at night if needed, for example. There is growing evidence that overnight stays in infancy form a meaningful basis for parent child relations.

At times, Mom’s own attachment to her child interferes with developing a suitable parenting arrangement. Maternal anxiety is a very powerful protector of young infants and therefore deserves respect. Overnight contact with babies and infants (approximately up to eighteen months) is not crucial for cementing parent– child bonds; daytime contact periods are the building blocks.

MYTH: The more homey, hands-on parent is better equipped for childcare

Reality: Not necessarily, though this parent will have confidence and experience. Emotional bonds are created and strengthened by parents being available and doing things with and for children, but it’s not just this. It’s listening and talking empathically with your children, hanging out together, sharing parts of your life with them, and helping them learn to discover independently that creates bonds.

Q: It can’t be right for our twelve-month-old to be away from me for long periods even though he knows his dad?

A: If he has had time with Dad, then he will have an attachment, meaning he’s okay for increasingly long periods without you in Dad’s care. Keep Dad informed about established routines so he can have a settled baby to bring back to you, which will enhance your confidence in his care. Some dads aren’t that good with babies on their own--let his relatives help if they’re local.

A silver lining to the disappointment of separating is children get the chance to develop a closer relationship with parents who are committed to shared parenting but who weren’t very available before, and who can therefore develop their parenting skills more effectively. A parent who appeared to contribute little to family life deserves the chance to become a more involved parent.

MYTH: Where there’s conflict between parents, there should be little or no contact

Reality: Lawyers and counselors sometimes suggest that the only solutions to conflict between separated parents are: to reduce or eliminate contact between the parents or between father and children, or to have supervised pick-ups and drop-offs. This is inconsistent with research, which shows that good contact results in reduced conflict between parents. Rather than seeing hostility as a disincentive to shared parenting, it’s better to view it as an indicator of needing a better parenting plan.

In the face of parental tensions, children tend to align themselves with one parent, implying that the other parent is at fault. This is a potentially misguided assumption as to what the child’s behavior means: it confuses the picture for parents and their advisers, and should not be the basis for alterations in the arrangement.

KEY MESSAGES

• Myths need challenging and realities need facing.
• Children need two homes when they have two separated parents.
• Organize the program to suit your circumstances, not vice versa.
• Infants require special consideration when part of a shared parenting arrangement.
• Shared parenting allows both parents to be hands on.
• Both quality and quantity are important in parenting.

This article was edited and excerpted with permission from Shared Parenting: Raising Your Children Cooperatively After Separation by Jill Burrett and Michael Green

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Posted by Michelle May O'Neil on August 22, 2011

When it comes to establishing each parent’s individual roles and their levels of involvement, influence, and time spent with the children, the terms most discussed and debated are joint custody, sole custody, and visitation. Generally, physical child custody (whether sole, shared, or split) really comes down to the amount of time spent with one’s children. Custody in the legal sense (that is, legal custody) governs who will make what types of decisions affecting the health, education, and general welfare of the children and under what circumstances such decisions will be made.

Parent and child un-friendly terms

Basically, without further definition or limitation, a parent with sole legal custody calls all the significant shots with or without the other parent’s “consent” or input. The term custody often provokes anger and resentment between bickering parents. The word custody in its basic and primary sense suggests possession and control.

In moderate to highly contentious cases, the initial fight for control is often a key catalyst to a perpetual battle. The children’s feelings and emotional well-being often get lost in all the posturing that accompanies one’s desire to show the other parent who is in the driver’s seat.

The counterpart to custody is visitation. I “visit” clients in jail. Priests “visit” the dying in hospitals and nursing homes. Doesn’t “visitation” suggest a short stay? Generally, we visit people or places that we don’t see too often. When we are young we shouldn’t be “visiting” our parents, we should be spending time with them. A parent’s perception of terms like custody and visitation often fosters power-based and position-oriented discussions. This is usually not productive when the lives of our children are at stake.

Changing words for the better

In recognizing the power of suggestion and influence that can be derived from legal terms and principles in the area of family law, legal wizards have made significant efforts in the last decade or so to use more appropriate terms when discussing how to govern the lives of our children and the parent-child relationships that are affected by separation and divorce. These days, custody and visitation are more appropriately discussed in terms of child access and parental involvement.

Parents who are caught up in “child access disputes” should take special care to focus their respective and combined efforts in arriving at a fair and reasonable “parenting plan” and a “residential schedule” that works best for their children.

No schedule = no stability

When there is an ongoing fight over child access, it is important to realize that the term stability, in the context of fighting over the division of parental time, is an oxymoron if there is no agreed-upon schedule. When there is an ongoing power struggle to maximize or minimize parental time, the life of the child is anything but “stable.”

Children adapt. The theories or justifications of years past, the “traditional visitation schedule” if you will, that subscribed to the notion that a child needs to only regard one parent’s house as “home” and that he must sleep in the same bed every night is far less important than often proclaimed.

A 50-50 schedule works

While it is not presumed that 50-50 is best for all children in all situations, it sure seems like a fair place to start. Furthermore, I have found that if the parents truly opt to act in accordance with the children’s best interests and if each parent operates from such a position of theoretical and practical equality, it is far more likely that one parent will voluntarily, if, when, and as needed, make the sacrifice of diminished time if it is truly beneficial to the children’s schedule.

Once the power struggle for control and the claim for the overwhelming majority of time are abandoned, it simply will not be as important when compared to what may genuinely be in the children’s best interests.

Court orders must be precise

If the division of time is not mutually satisfactory, or if it is not otherwise possible to arrange a basic schedule with a certain amount of predictability (along with situational flexibility, respect, and cooperation), a court ordered schedule will ultimately be forced upon you. In such situations, any written document or court order must leave nothing open to interpretation. This is still far easier and far less damaging to the children than the constant tug of war that often will occur in parental skirmishes.

How to create a schedule

There are many ways to approach the development of a residential and access schedule. Rather than explain or justify any of them, let’s start with a few basic principles.

• There is no moral entitlement to anything more than equally dividing the time the children spend with each parent.
• There is no legal entitlement to equal parenting time.
• If you and the other parent were both completely committed to working out a schedule that maximizes each parent’s time with the children, you could do it.
• The children’s best interests are usually served when measured within the reasonable and practical limits of life in general and balanced in particular with the parenting styles and attributes of each parent.
• If each parent felt secure that they would truly have reasonable and liberal time and access with their children, without being unreasonably rebuffed, the counting of overnights would become less important and a more stable schedule (whatever the percentage of time comes to be) would be more likely to develop on its own.
• The best schedule is one that minimizes conflict and maximizes the children’s time with each parent.

Although maximizing parental time is very important, it should yield to the best interests of the children. And obviously, each parent’s differing views about what is or is not in the children’s best interests is one of the many contributors to child custody chaos. The desire for power and control are other major contributors.

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This is an excerpt from the book I co-authored, “All About Texas Law and Kids.”

People frequently ask, “When my child turns 12 can’t she decide to come live with me?”  This is probably the biggest myth in all of family law.

When a child turns 12, she is entitled to express an opinion about with who she wants to live. The judge still makes the final decision based on the child’s best interest. Before the age of 12, the child has no right to express an opinion in the court proceedings.

A child who is at least 12 years old begins to have opinions, and sometimes strong opinions, about her living environment. The judge remains the final authority on where the child lives so the judge can examine the basis of the child’s choice and her motivations. For example, if the child is being defiant in Mom’s house because she doesn’t like Mom’s rules, and Dad lets the child run wild, the judge will not likely listen to the child’s desire to live with Dad. Or, if Dad promised the child a car if he “picked Dad,” again, the judge will not likely listen to the child’s desire. However, if the child wants to go live with Dad because Dad’s house is within walking distance of the natatorium and the child is a competitive swimmer, then the judge might well listen to the child’s wishes.

Prior to September 1, 2009, the law allowed the child to file a written preference as to where she wants to live. Many judges disfavored this law and the practice of some lawyers representing a parent in obtaining the child’s signature on the written preference. Due to the disfavor and frequent abuses in that system, the Legislature eliminated the written preference statements effective September 1, 2009. HB 1151 81^st Legislature, S3. A child may now express his or her preference, but not in writing. Upon request of a party at a trial hearing, a judge must interview in chambers a child 12 years or older. As one judge astutely noted, the law may require the judge to talk to the child in chambers, but the law does not tell him what to ask. For a judge who disfavors “putting kids in the middle,” even making such a request may harm a parent’s request for conservatorship.

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Posted by Michelle May O'Neil on July 25, 2011

Like the gay rights ("Marriage Equality") movement, black civil rights movement, and feminist movement, the Fathers' Rights movement is grounded in constitutional rights and imperatives. It has grown out of the very real changes in men's traditional roles in Western society, and the current generation's more egalitarian attitude towards shared parenting, which has resulted in gender neutral custody laws in virtually every state of the United States. Despite the changing laws on the books, there is still a perception that there is a gender bias in family law, and that fathers are discriminated against in custody decisions.

As family law attorneys in Dallas, TX, we regularly see custody disputes first hand. Although we represent mothers and fathers in equal number, we are no longer surprised when fathers are awarded custody rights. Sole custody agreements are a vanishing breed in the family law practice. Today, most fathers we meet with are seeking at least some form of joint custody, whether it is decision making or shared parenting.

A semi-typical case where a change of custody to the father may happen could be when a teenager declares that he/she'd rather live with Dad. (Those cases are usually resolved pretty quickly -- in most courtrooms, teenagers get what they want.) Judges, law guardians, and forensic psychologists are more enlightened these days about the rights of fathers, and the rights of children to be raised by their fathers. The fact is that fathers who are active and involved in raising their children are almost always given the opportunity to continue that role post divorce.

The value of fathers cannot be denied. But neither can the economic incentives that play a major role in custody disputes. For every father that has a good faith motivation for seeking primary custody (he is more bonded to the children, or the mother is mentally ill or drug addicted), there is a father who hasn't seen his children in months but declares upon being served with divorce papers that he should have custody. After all, he can do as good a job as the mother, and so why shouldn't he receive child support?

Recently, Jacqueline Harounian, Partner at The Law Firm of Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, did a radio program about fathers' rights. Many of the callers were men who felt victimized by high child support payments, and harsh child support enforcement measures, including wage garnishments, and incarceration. While the Family Court can grant relief in limited cases, the truth is that the government is unyielding and unsympathetic to so called "deadbeat dads" who owe child support. The sad reality is that many of these fathers do not even have a relationship with their children. Statistics show a strong correlation between active and involved fathers and those who willingly pay child support. (It must be mentioned that the system is just as punitive to mothers who owe child support, and more and more, mothers are being jailed for contempt for violating custody orders.)

Advice to those fathers who are concerned about child support? If you are seeking financial relief from your child support obligations due to a change of circumstances (such as job loss, or illness) run -- don't walk -- to Family Court. Do not let arrears accumulate, because there is very little that can be done to address it retroactively. But more importantly, be an active and involved father for your children. Children need mothers and fathers. They need financial and emotional support from both parents. Raising children costs money --- lots of it. But the non-monetary rewards to both children and their fathers are incalculable.

Hat tip to Jacqueline Harounian for her May 13, 2011 post                                                                                                                                                                                           

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Posted by Michelle May O'Neil on May 16, 2011

          I came across an informative video clip today by Dr. Alisa Baer, also known as The Car Seat Lady. Dr. Alisa Baer explains the 5 key steps outlined in the new American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Car Seat Recommendations. These new guidelines were published on March 21, 2011.  It is important that you have the most up to date information to keep your child as safe as possible in the car.

The basic break down of these new guidelines is a 5 step tier system. Step one is “Rear-facing.” This tier is the safest for infants and toddlers in a car seat because it best protects from brain and spinal injury in the event of a crash.  This step is recommended until a child reaches the age of at least 2 years old. Note that children 12 years or younger should always ride in the back seat of a car. Step two is “Forward-facing” in a car seat. Step three is a “Booster Seat.” Step four is forward facing in the back seat with a “Shoulder/Lap Belt.” Step five is the “Front Seat” with a shoulder/lap belt. This fifth step is the least safe for your child and should not be rushed into.

In this video, Dr. Baer explains all of the new recommended steps and their safety aspects, including proper car seat and seat belt placement and car seat harnessing, along with helpful graphics.

To watch the video click this link: http://vimeo.com/21282791. You can also get more information from The Car Seat Lady at www.thecarseatlady.com.

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1. Be actively involved with your kids' activities. Spend your time with them in their element. Be a coach or a leader for their sports or other activities. Attend their performances and games. Volunteer. Cheer for them. Help with their homework. Read to and with them. Play with them! You can do different things with kids at each age.

2. Appropriately compliment kids for their good effort or results. You don't have to say nice things only if they "win". Give them positive support for their effort and encourage them to keep trying. Winning is great, but it's also fun just to play. Make sure the kids know that you are proud of them whether they win or loose.

3. Appropriately compliment the other parent. Make nice comments to the other parent and around the kids.  You don’t have to lie or be insincere, but there's always something nice you can say. If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything.

4. Focus on the good. Whether it is your child’s grades, an art project, effort in cleaning their rooms, riding a bike, playing well with others, etc. let them know that you are pleased with them. At any age, you can find something a child is doing well and show appreciation. If you reinforce good behavior by complimenting it you are more likely to see it more often. Don't dwell on what a child is doing wrong all the time. Give them something to remember that you praised them for and they will strive for it.

5. Encourage kids to volunteer and serve others. Making a spirit of volunteerism and helping a part of the kids' upbringing, so that it seems a natural and normal part of life, is one of the best things you can do for kids. Everyone, at some time, will need help from others. It's a good idea to "pay it forward" --donate help in advance.

6. Talk about the best part of the day with your kids. It helps them (and you) focus on the good things that happen. You and your children will feel better if you think about the positive things, rather than just dwelling on what went wrong during the day. Developing this habit can help elevate everyone's mood.

7. Remember that kids see what you do and hear what you say. They really pay attention to what you do and say (and how you say it). You will probably see some of your actions and habits in their behavior. You certainly want to see your children doing good things, so you need to set an appropriate example. Try to be a good role model in the things you say and do.

8. Learn to appreciate kids' music, books and games. Not everything they like is going to be worth while, but it is too easy for parents to overlook or downplay kids' culture. Parents should look for what matters in their kids' lives. If you show a genuine interest in your kids' activities and interests, you can be more of a factor in their lives. You will be better able to relate to them and enjoy time with them.

9. Encourage friendships and sharing. This can be done in part by setting a good example, but you may have to explain things to children periodically about sharing as they get older. Do what you can to make it possible for them to do things with their peers so they can develop friendships. Equally as important, don't put up barriers that inhibit the kids from being able to participate in activities with friends who are important to them.

10. Be a good host. When your kids want to have friends over, make it possible. You may need to have a supervisory role, which will vary according to the age of the children, but help your children out when you can. Get to know their friends and welcome them to your home. It's always better to have them hanging out at your house as apposed to roaming the streets.

Hat tip to Dick Price for his December 1, 2008 post

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Basic Elements of a Parenting Plan:

Here’s a list of issues that must be addressed to form the basis of a parenting plan:

• Which house is identified as “home base” for the children?
• When will the children be with each parent during the school year?
• When will the children be with each parent during holiday breaks?
• How will the summer break period be handled?
• What arrangements will be made for exchanging the children at the beginning of each parent’s time?
• Who will decide which extracurricular activities the children will participate in? How will these activities be paid for? What happens if an activity falls during the other parent’s time?
• How will the children’s religious upbringing be handled?
• Who will make decisions for the medical and mental health needs of the children? How will these needs be paid for?
• Who will have the right to represent the children in legal action and make other legal decisions for the children?
• How will the children’s access to the internet be handled?
• Who will carry the children on health insurance? Who will pay for the coverage? How will the uninsured medical expenses be handled?
• Who will make decisions regarding the children’s education? How will private schooling be handled? What happens if the children need additional educational assistance such as tutoring? How will those expenses be handled?
• What plans are being made for the children’s future college education?
• Will the children talk on the telephone to the parent not in possession of them?
• Will the children be allowed to travel outside the country with each parent? How will the passports be handled?

Unless the courts have ordered something different, both parents have the right to:

• Receive information concerning the health, education and welfare of the kids;
• Talk with the other parent before making a decision concerning the health, education and welfare of the kids;
• Access their children’s medical, dental, psychological and educational records;
• Consult with the kids’ doctors;
• Consult with the school concerning the kids’ welfare and educational status;
• Attend school activities;
• Be listed as an emergency contact on the kids’ records;
• Consent to medical treatment during an emergency involving an immediate danger to the health and safety of the kids;
• Be offered the chance to take care of the kids during the other parent’s time if the other parent has something that keeps them from the kids;

There are some extra things that parents going through a split should keep in mind:

• Alcohol consumption – limit the amount of alcohol you consume during your time with your kids, especially if alcohol has been a problem before. Never drive with your children if you’ve been drinking.
• New romantic partners – take care to introduce your new boyfriend or girlfriend to your kids slowly, so they don’t feel as though their other parent is being  replaced.
• Travel – when planning trips for business or pleasure, with or without your kids, keep your kids’ schedules and your parenting plan in mind.

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On Thursday, June 17, I will be participating as a panelist in the State Bar of Texas Family Law Update:  Same Sex Couple Divorce/Parenting Issues webcast seminar. 

This two-hour webcast is intended to inform the family law practitioner about recent developments in same-sex family law cases. Dallas and Austin have both recently litigated gay divorces; the 5th and 9th Courts of Appeal have recently issued opinions addressing standing for same-sex parents.

• WHO is most affected by same-sex family law cases?
• WHAT can practitioners do with cutting-edge lawyering?
• WHERE will standing end up, with the split of opinions among appellate courts?
• WHEN is a parent not a parent?
• WHY can’t couples legally married in other jurisdictions get divorced in Texas?

Advising same-sex couples can have long-term ramifications for the best interests of children, and need to anticipate upcoming changes in the law, both locally and nationally. Join us to see the latest developments from the attorneys on the front lines. 

This seminar is approved by the Texas Bar for continuing legal education with 2 hours credit. The seminar is sponsored by the Sexual Orientation and Gender Identification Issues Section of the State Bar of Texas.

I am very excited to be on this panel and plan to learn more than I teach!  Other speakers on the panel include:

1. Ms. Jennifer R. Cochran, Austin
Attorney at Law

Read Jennifer's Blog Here:  The Zealous Advocate

2. Ms. Karen J. Langsley, Dripping Springs
Attorney at Law

3. Ms. Michelle May O'Neil, Dallas
O'Neil Anderson

4. Mr. Peter Schulte, Dallas
Schulte & Apgar

Mr. Schulte has been in the news a great deal lately, representing one member of the gay couple seeking a divorce in Dallas.  That case remains pending on appeal in the Dallas Court of Appeals.

See my prior posts on that case:

1. Dallas Judge: Ban on Gay Marriage and Divorce Unconstitutional: UPDATE
2. Dallas Judge Tena Callahan Speaks Publicly For The First Time Since Her Controversial Ruling

Time Magazine has also written on this topic recently, discussing the gay divorce cases pending both in Dallas and in Austin, Can Gay Couples Divorce Where They Can't Marry?

The cost of the webcast seminar is $135. 

Webcast registration is only available online and by using a credit card. Go to TexasBarCLE.com and select 'Webcasts' from the menu. Registrations by mail, fax, or phone will not be accepted.

We encourage early registrations to give you time to verify that your system is webcast-ready. Our technical support lines are usually extremely busy on the day of a webcast, so be please register and test your system a few days ahead of the webcast date.

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I posted about Sandra Bullock and her role as step-mom to Jesse's kids here.  I read a GREAT post about the role of step-moms on the blog The Psycho Ex Wife.  As a step-mom myself, I can really relate to the important and sometimes thankless job that step-moms perform.

I’m “just” a stepmother.

I’m a stepmother that helps my stepchildren, in some way, every day:

◦I helped try to teach them to ride a bike
◦I helped teach them how to tie their shoes
◦I help them get exercise and learn about health and fitness
◦I pick out books for them
◦I take them fishing, sometimes even when Dad can’t
◦I take them on walks and hikes
◦I sign them up for sports, on my time and with my money
◦I teach them how to make and try new foods
◦I introduce them to different cities and cultures, my time, my money
◦I teach them how to speak with respect
◦I help them with homework
◦I buy them new clothes
◦I buy them Christmas presents
◦I made an area in the woods for them to play behind our house, decorated it with  them
◦I play board games with them
◦I introduce them to new music
◦I keep the craft cabinet stocked so they can continue to make art
◦I make sure they brush their teeth appropriately
◦I make sure they wipe the toilet seat off when their aim sucks
◦I help take care of them when they are sick
◦I help clean up their vomit
◦I cut their hair
◦I come up with events like SmoresFest and outdoor movie night so they can have fun
◦I help teach them about respect for themselves and others
◦I help teach them the importance of education
◦I do this with no desire nor intent to replace their biological mother
◦I do this because I care about them and love them
◦I treat their father with care, love, respect, and dignity so they may experience what a healthy relationship really looks like

(That’s the short list) AND YET:

◦I get no consideration on how custody changes will affect me or my children
◦I get no consideration on how child support will affect me or my children
◦I get no consideration for activities I believe they should or should not participate in
◦I have no say in their medical care
◦I have no say in their education
◦There may be more…
 

And… you can bet your last dollar I’m dragged into nearly every court proceeding to answer questions that affect me every single day, while no one gives a crap how the outcome will affect me or my children.

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Many parents have long distances to bear between their children and themselves.  On Fridays and Sundays at the ariport, one can see many parents escorting kids to and from flights.  Airlines have regulations addressing flights for minor children flying without an adult -- called Unaccompanied Minors.  The regulations and fees charged vary between the airlines.  Here's a summary of the various airlines policies:

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Although it may seem like common sense, there are a number of things parent shouldn't tell their kids during and after their divorce.  A common them among some of these things is the assignment of blame for the divorce (be it blaming the other parent or the child).  Another common theme involves the delivery of the message.  Communication experts have routinely pointed out that approximately 80% of communication is in the delivery.  Also, these communication tips not only apply to divorce cases in Dallas but across the country too.

Examples of things not to say that fall in the "not my fault" category are:

1. I don't want a divorce, but your [mom/dad] does;
2. You can thank your [mom/dad] for us splitting up; and
3. Because of what you did, we're getting a divorce.

Examples relating to the delivery of the message include: 

1. Yelling at the other parent in front of the children; and
2. Expressing apathy/frustration about the other parent's rules.

Sometimes parents "sugar coat" the issues which results in their children having unrealistic expectations.  Although the level of explanation to provide a child varies by age, intellect and maturity, parents do themselves a disservice by trying to shield their children from truths surrounding their divorce. 

Bottom line: Parents should remember to avoid blame assignment and pay attention to how they communicate with their children when discussing their divorce.  Hat tips to Dick Price's blog and Wolfgang at Singleparentgossip.com for the motivation behind this post. 

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