Divorce Survival Tips, Dr. Phil Style

How do you protect yourself and prepare for a divorce?  You must know your rights under Texas divorce law when it comes to spousal support, child support, and marital assets.  It also helps to know the outlook of the judges in the county you live in who might be likely to hear your divorce case, such as Dallas County Divorce Judges or Collin County Divorce Judges.  Sometimes how a judge views the law and the facts that fall within the law can vary from county to county.

Here are some Divorce Survival Tips to help you get ready:

  • Divorce proceedings can be like war -- be prepared for the battle. It doesn't have to be like war, and can be handled collaboratively, but people can't get along well enough to reach agreements.
  • Consider the timing of the divorce.  Consider whether it is beneficial for you to stay in the marriage until a particular time.  Example, your spouse is set to receive a bonus at the end of the year.  If you file the divorce prior to that time, you risk a claim that the bonus is not marital property.  Or, is there a benefit to making it to the 10-year-marriage mark?
  • Consult with an attorney, or more than one attorney, to make sure you are getting the best advice for your situation.
  • Gather the information you will need to present your best case.  You will need all of the documents related to financial accounts, real property, debts, etc.  (Check out Divorce Cost and Prep from DivorceApps.com for an iPhone App that will help you put together a list of documents that your lawyer might need.)
  • Don't put the kids in the middle of your divorce.  Work something out with your spouse so that you can both stay involved in the kids' lives and co-parent them together.
  • Don't talk to everyone you see about your divorce.  Keep your conversations very limited to just the one or two people you know you can trust and who won't talk to your spouse.

Dr. Phil has his own set of Divorce Survival Tips.

See related post:  Dr. Phil asks, Are You Ready For Divorce?

Dr. Phil asks, Are You Ready for a Divorce?

About 20% of people that contact a lawyer about a divorce are not "ready" to actually get a divorce, according to a statistic cited by Dr. Phil on his show today Are You Ready For Divorce?  Dr. Phil believes that most people are too quick to get divorced. 

As a Dallas divorce lawyer, I routinely advise my clients that they should explore every option for keeping their marriage together before going the divorce route.  Dr. Phil agrees.  He says before you get a divorce, you should make sure your emotional business is finished, you are prepared legally, and you are ready to move to a co-parenting relationship with your spouse (instead of the married dynamics you have been in).

Dr. Phil has a Divorce Readiness Test:

  1. Have you done everything you can to save your marriage?
  2. Do you have unfinished emotional business?
  3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce?
  4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children?
  5. Are you will to create a new relationship as a co-parent?

To make sure you are ready for divorce, Dr. Phil suggests reading books about repairing your marriage, going to a marriage counselor, speaking with a clergy person or spiritual advisor, and spending time focusing on what each person's role is in the marital break-up. Evaluate: How did the marriage go wrong? Is what fight is about worth ruining the marriage? Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work? What is your role in causing the break-up?

You know you are ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration, or hurt.  Otherwise, you have unfinished business, says Dr. Phil.

Tomorrow... Divorce Survival Tips.

 

Common Misconceptions about Texas Family Law

Dallas Family Law attorney Michelle May O'Neil discussed a few common misconceptions about Texas Family Law in her presentation at the Dallas Kids Expo featuring her book All About Texas Law and Kids

Misconception #1:  Children over age 12 can choose who they want to live with (who their conservator will be after a divorce or modification in Texas).  False!  (See the video below for the true state of the law.)

Misconception #2:  Joint custody means equal time for both parents with the kids.  False!  (See the video below for the true state of the law.)

Misconception #3: The age when a child can get married.  (See the video below for the true state of the law.)

See the youtube video here:  Michelle May O'Neil discusses misconceptions about Texas family law

 

Top Five Signs your Marriage is in Trouble

Frequently I encounter clients in my Dallas divorce law firm that share common signs that their marriage has come to an end.  Here are the top five signs that a marriage is coming to an end.

1.  You dream about a life without your spouse.  It is not uncommon for us all to wonder “what if” during our day-to-day lives, but when you start thinking about how your life would be better without your spouse, you’ve definitely got a sign that your marriage is in trouble

2.  You keep things to yourself.  I’m surprised at how often clients come in and tell me that they simply quit communicating their needs and concerns to their spouse.  When your marriage has reached a point to where its not worth it to “bother” your spouse with your concerns and needs, this is another sign the marriage is in trouble.  Open communication is a key to any successful relationship, and holding things back from your spouse is quite unhealthy to the marriage. 

3.  You feel like you are the only person trying to make the marriage work.  If you feel that your spouse is not putting the same amount of effort into the marriage, then feelings of resentment and anger can really kick in.  Anger sometimes fuels people to make rash decisions, however the feeling of a lack of reciprocal effort is a definite sign the marriage is on rocky grounds. 

4.  You lack intimacy.  Sex is part of any healthy marriage.  If one spouse seems uninterested in sexual intimacy with the other, this is a sign the marriage is in trouble.  Even more so, if one spouse is withholding sex as a form of “revenge” then this too indicates a storm is brewing. 

5.  You feel like the bad in the marriage outweighs the good.  This one ties in closely with all the other signs.  If you feel there is more trouble in paradise, then there are some issues that need to be confronted. 

When can we get married?

As Dallas Divorce Lawyer, I frequently am asked questions that touch on "legal separation" and its place in Texas family law.  Texas law does not recognize legal separation as a status, so in Texas, you're either married you are aren't.  The other day I had someone ask me whether she could marry someone who was legally separated from his spouse in another state.  To answer this question, we need to look at who can and cannot get married in Texas.

Under the Texas Family Code, same-sex couples, persons related to each other, and currently married persons cannot get married.  Under the question presented, the answer hinges on whether a person who is legally separated in another state is still consider "married" for purposes of Texas law.  Because Texas does not recognize legal separation as a status, then the person seeking marriage is still technically married to their "former" spouse in the jurisdiction they are legally separated in.  Therefore, the marriage cannot occur.

Under Texas law, a marriage is considered void and of no effect if either party to the marriage is currently married.  As a side bar, there is one small exception to this rule -- couples who are currently married to each other can obtain a marriage license.  In essence this exception allows couples to "legally" renew their wedding vows. 

Married men = higher income.

I recently came across an article on Time Magazine's website that was pretty interesting.  According to a study completed by the Pew Research Center, married men have a 60% higher income than they did in 1970, whereas unmarried men only experienced an increase of 16% in income. 

According to the study, one of the reasons that married men experienced a higher increase in income is because the percentage of men marrying women who earn as much, if not more, than they do has also increased since 1970.  Coupled with this is the fact that there has been a dramatic increase in the number of white collar women.

Another interesting point was that there is a decrease in divorce among college educated couples, and an increase in divorce between non-college educated couples.  Apart from the homogamy aspect of the studies, it was interesting to learn about correlation between income and duration of marriage. 

 

I didn't know he was already married when we got hitched. What do I do?

I was recently informed about a situation where a woman married a man who happened to already be married.  The blushing bride had no idea about her husband's prior (and still existing) marriage to the other woman, and understandably was quite embarrassed by her situation.  Perhaps more importantly, however, the woman wanted to know what her legal rights were under these strange facts.

This type of situation is what Texas law refers to as a putative marriage.  A putative marriage is a marriage that is entered into in good faith by one of the parties (here the wife given her lack of knowledge about the prior marriage) but that is invalid (in this case because of bigamy).  Although the marriage in this circumstance is void (because of bigamy), Texas law protects the innocent spouse by making the marriage "putative."  A putative marriage gives the innocent spouse who acted in good faith the same rights as a lawful spouse would have had during the marriage. 

Without going into the details as to proving good faith, the legal effects of the putative marriage are quite significant.  Texas courts have held that a putative spouse has the rights of a lawful spouse in property acquired during the marriage - i.e. community property.  As such, once the putative marriage ends, the putative spouse is entitled to a just and right division of the community property, the right to seek temporary support during a suit to dissolve the marriage, and the right to seek spousal maintenance. 

Bottom line, if the putative relationship was entered into in good faith, then the court will treat the dissolution of the relationship very similarly to that of a "normal" divorce.

Dallas Judge: Ban on Gay Marriage and Divorce Unconstitutional: UPDATE

Dallas 302nd state District Judge Tena Callahan ruled Thursday that the state's bans on same-sex marriage violates the constitutional guarantee to equal protection under the law. She said her court "has jurisdiction to hear a suit for divorce filed by persons legally married in another jurisdiction."  Her ruling clears the way for two gay men to legally divorce in Texas. 

Judge Tena Callahan investiture

The men legally married in Cambridge, Massachusets, in 2006 and later moved to Dallas. In Janauary 2009, one of the spouses filed for divorce.  The marriage, one of the spouses said, was not entered into lightly, and after 11 years together, the breakup is painful.

A voter-approved state constitutional amendment and the Texas Family Code prohibit same-sex marriages or civil unions.  The approval of the Texas Marriage Amendment by voters in Nov. 2005 specified the definition of marriage in the Texas Constitution as the union of one man and one woman. It protects the longstanding social practice of recognizing only the union of a man and a woman as a marriage, and reinforced the Texas Defense of Marriage Act of 2003 prohibiting any political entity in the state from recognizing the union of two people of the same gender.

The Texas attorney general had intervened in the two men’s divorce case, arguing that since a gay marriage isn’t recognized in Texas, a Texas court can’t dissolve one through divorce.  Judge Callahan denied the AG's intervention, which, of course, the AG promises to appeal.  The AG said, "In the State of Texas, marriage is – and has always been – a union between one man and one woman. To prevent other states from imposing their values on this state, Texas voters overwhelmingly approved a Constitutional amendment specifically defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman," he said in a written statement. "Because the parties' Massachusetts-issued arrangement is not a marriage under Texas law, they are asking a Texas court to recognize – and dissolve – something that does not legally exist."

The Dallas lawyer representing the spouse filing for the divorce said he will argue that the men have that right under Article IV, Section 1 of the U.S. Constitution. The so-called Full Faith and Credit Clause provides, in part, that states recognize contracts from other states – that the marriage bond, he said, is universal.  He also argued that the ruling violates the guarantee for equal protection under the law.

Expect an immediate and hasty appeal to the Dallas court of appeals and likely the Texas Supreme Court on this one.  I'm sure the AG will file a mandamus action in the court of appeals to prohibit the divorce from proceeding.  The Dallas court of appeals will likely stay the divorce proceedings while the mandamus proceeds.  Then, regardless of the result of the case, the losing party will likely seek mandamus in the Texas Supreme Court, where the divorce proceeding will continue to be stayed.  It is not out of the question for the case to be filed with the U.S. Supreme Court for determination. 

Judge Tena Callahan is a Democrat elected in the 2006 Democrat sweep of the Dallas County courthouse.  Prior to election to the 302nd bench, Judge Callahan practiced law as a family law attorney in Dallas County for 15 years.  Judge Callahan received her undergraduate degree from the University of Texas and her law degree from St. Mary's School of Law.  In her 2006 campaign, she was endorsed as Qualified by the Committee for a Qualified Judiciary and the Dallas Morning News editorial board.  The Dallas Bar Association's Chris Robison with the DBA Publications Committee profiled Judge Callahan.

On the other hand, the Dallas Court of Appeals is considered to be one of the most conservative courts in the State.  Dominated by nine republican justices who are elected over a five county region consisting not only of Democrat-leaning Dallas County, but also uber-conservative Collin County and Grayson, Hunt, Rockwall and Kaufman counties.  Likewise, the Texas Supreme Court is made up of justices mostly appointed by either Governor Perry or Bush and it is largely considered to be one of the most conservative groups of justices on the Court ever.

Although many will consider this ruling to be a win for the GLBT sector, based on the level of conservatism of the justices in line to hear this case, it is extremely doubtful that this ruling will last very long.  No doubt, in the meantime, it will provide a national spotlight for Dallas County and Judge Callahan.

Hat tip to Roy Appleton of the Dallas Morning News for the article Dallas judge paves way for gay couple to get divorce October 1, 2009.  See also Roy Appleton's article Dallas same-sex divorce case a first for Texas on January 23, 2009.

Update:

This case has received expected national media attention.  This blog was quoted in the Gay Couples Law Blog (shout out to Gideon Alper!)

Also, NBC5 in Dallas has run a story on the issue, CBS11 in Dallas has interviewed Judge Callahan where she reiterates that the judicial ethics canons prevent her from discussing the case, the Wall Street Journal blog discussed the case, as did USA Today, and the Associated Press ran the story.

Not surprisingly, this issue is hot and being talked about.  I can tell you that Judge Callahan is a thoughtful, wise judge who (obviously!) has no problem doing what she thinks is right, without regard to politics or media coverage or anything else.  I've practiced in front of her since she became a judge.  I've won some and lost some in front of her.  But, I've never doubted her conviction for calling "balls and strikes" as she sees them!