Dallas Divorce Law Blog : Dallas Texas Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : O'Neil Attorneys Law Firm : TX Child Support & Custody Issues

Sometimes separated or divorced parents are keen to work out a good shared parenting arrangement but are discouraged by the prejudices of friends or professionals. We will unravel some common myths about shared parenting in order to help those parents get past such objections.

MYTH: Kids need to spend most of their time in one home

Reality: This is an understandable leftover from hopes that our marriage would thrive and our kids would be in one happy home and an unquestioned presumption of many lawyers and counselors. It’s a view that seriously underestimates the adaptability of children and fails to appreciate what is really important for them. The stability that children need is more than geographical. It is emotional stability the stability of meaningful, continuing relationships. The emotional stability that’s critical for a child’s healthy development comes not only from ongoing relationships with parents, but also from their community. The child’s world is those relationships that arise from associations and the sense of belonging that these important connections bring.

MYTH: Kids need to know where they live and not be going back and forth

Reality: A clear, simple parenting plan plus goodwill from both parents will quickly get children into a routine. Breaking up a week into smaller chunks may mean that parents don’t go long without seeing their children, but it may also mean children are constantly changing over. Changeovers are often the hardest time, so lean toward a pattern that has the fewest changeovers, except for very small children.

Q: No sooner are my children settled with me than they have to gear up to change again. Is it better if the children stay in one place and the parents rotate?

A: It needs a dependable communication system to assist with smooth changeovers and a high degree of dedication and positive spirit. If they are staying in the family home where they have been living, this may only be possible for a time as the home may have to be sold for your financial settlement. Maybe you should initially consider two- or three-week blocks of time to allow for a proper settling-in before the children have to uproot themselves again.

MYTH: Infants under three shouldn’t spend nights away from Mom

Reality: This view was based on outdated theory and is contrary to recent research. Attachment theory tended to emphasize the exclusivity of the maternal bond and its continuity as being crucial to healthy development. There is no consistent evidence that a night with their father is going to cause harm. If children are well attached to the other caretaker (Dad), they should soon become used to him coming at night if needed, for example. There is growing evidence that overnight stays in infancy form a meaningful basis for parent child relations.

At times, Mom’s own attachment to her child interferes with developing a suitable parenting arrangement. Maternal anxiety is a very powerful protector of young infants and therefore deserves respect. Overnight contact with babies and infants (approximately up to eighteen months) is not crucial for cementing parent– child bonds; daytime contact periods are the building blocks.

MYTH: The more homey, hands-on parent is better equipped for childcare

Reality: Not necessarily, though this parent will have confidence and experience. Emotional bonds are created and strengthened by parents being available and doing things with and for children, but it’s not just this. It’s listening and talking empathically with your children, hanging out together, sharing parts of your life with them, and helping them learn to discover independently that creates bonds.

Q: It can’t be right for our twelve-month-old to be away from me for long periods even though he knows his dad?

A: If he has had time with Dad, then he will have an attachment, meaning he’s okay for increasingly long periods without you in Dad’s care. Keep Dad informed about established routines so he can have a settled baby to bring back to you, which will enhance your confidence in his care. Some dads aren’t that good with babies on their own--let his relatives help if they’re local.

A silver lining to the disappointment of separating is children get the chance to develop a closer relationship with parents who are committed to shared parenting but who weren’t very available before, and who can therefore develop their parenting skills more effectively. A parent who appeared to contribute little to family life deserves the chance to become a more involved parent.

MYTH: Where there’s conflict between parents, there should be little or no contact

Reality: Lawyers and counselors sometimes suggest that the only solutions to conflict between separated parents are: to reduce or eliminate contact between the parents or between father and children, or to have supervised pick-ups and drop-offs. This is inconsistent with research, which shows that good contact results in reduced conflict between parents. Rather than seeing hostility as a disincentive to shared parenting, it’s better to view it as an indicator of needing a better parenting plan.

In the face of parental tensions, children tend to align themselves with one parent, implying that the other parent is at fault. This is a potentially misguided assumption as to what the child’s behavior means: it confuses the picture for parents and their advisers, and should not be the basis for alterations in the arrangement.

KEY MESSAGES

• Myths need challenging and realities need facing.
• Children need two homes when they have two separated parents.
• Organize the program to suit your circumstances, not vice versa.
• Infants require special consideration when part of a shared parenting arrangement.
• Shared parenting allows both parents to be hands on.
• Both quality and quantity are important in parenting.

This article was edited and excerpted with permission from Shared Parenting: Raising Your Children Cooperatively After Separation by Jill Burrett and Michael Green

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Posted by Michelle May O'Neil on August 22, 2011

When it comes to establishing each parent’s individual roles and their levels of involvement, influence, and time spent with the children, the terms most discussed and debated are joint custody, sole custody, and visitation. Generally, physical child custody (whether sole, shared, or split) really comes down to the amount of time spent with one’s children. Custody in the legal sense (that is, legal custody) governs who will make what types of decisions affecting the health, education, and general welfare of the children and under what circumstances such decisions will be made.

Parent and child un-friendly terms

Basically, without further definition or limitation, a parent with sole legal custody calls all the significant shots with or without the other parent’s “consent” or input. The term custody often provokes anger and resentment between bickering parents. The word custody in its basic and primary sense suggests possession and control.

In moderate to highly contentious cases, the initial fight for control is often a key catalyst to a perpetual battle. The children’s feelings and emotional well-being often get lost in all the posturing that accompanies one’s desire to show the other parent who is in the driver’s seat.

The counterpart to custody is visitation. I “visit” clients in jail. Priests “visit” the dying in hospitals and nursing homes. Doesn’t “visitation” suggest a short stay? Generally, we visit people or places that we don’t see too often. When we are young we shouldn’t be “visiting” our parents, we should be spending time with them. A parent’s perception of terms like custody and visitation often fosters power-based and position-oriented discussions. This is usually not productive when the lives of our children are at stake.

Changing words for the better

In recognizing the power of suggestion and influence that can be derived from legal terms and principles in the area of family law, legal wizards have made significant efforts in the last decade or so to use more appropriate terms when discussing how to govern the lives of our children and the parent-child relationships that are affected by separation and divorce. These days, custody and visitation are more appropriately discussed in terms of child access and parental involvement.

Parents who are caught up in “child access disputes” should take special care to focus their respective and combined efforts in arriving at a fair and reasonable “parenting plan” and a “residential schedule” that works best for their children.

No schedule = no stability

When there is an ongoing fight over child access, it is important to realize that the term stability, in the context of fighting over the division of parental time, is an oxymoron if there is no agreed-upon schedule. When there is an ongoing power struggle to maximize or minimize parental time, the life of the child is anything but “stable.”

Children adapt. The theories or justifications of years past, the “traditional visitation schedule” if you will, that subscribed to the notion that a child needs to only regard one parent’s house as “home” and that he must sleep in the same bed every night is far less important than often proclaimed.

A 50-50 schedule works

While it is not presumed that 50-50 is best for all children in all situations, it sure seems like a fair place to start. Furthermore, I have found that if the parents truly opt to act in accordance with the children’s best interests and if each parent operates from such a position of theoretical and practical equality, it is far more likely that one parent will voluntarily, if, when, and as needed, make the sacrifice of diminished time if it is truly beneficial to the children’s schedule.

Once the power struggle for control and the claim for the overwhelming majority of time are abandoned, it simply will not be as important when compared to what may genuinely be in the children’s best interests.

Court orders must be precise

If the division of time is not mutually satisfactory, or if it is not otherwise possible to arrange a basic schedule with a certain amount of predictability (along with situational flexibility, respect, and cooperation), a court ordered schedule will ultimately be forced upon you. In such situations, any written document or court order must leave nothing open to interpretation. This is still far easier and far less damaging to the children than the constant tug of war that often will occur in parental skirmishes.

How to create a schedule

There are many ways to approach the development of a residential and access schedule. Rather than explain or justify any of them, let’s start with a few basic principles.

• There is no moral entitlement to anything more than equally dividing the time the children spend with each parent.
• There is no legal entitlement to equal parenting time.
• If you and the other parent were both completely committed to working out a schedule that maximizes each parent’s time with the children, you could do it.
• The children’s best interests are usually served when measured within the reasonable and practical limits of life in general and balanced in particular with the parenting styles and attributes of each parent.
• If each parent felt secure that they would truly have reasonable and liberal time and access with their children, without being unreasonably rebuffed, the counting of overnights would become less important and a more stable schedule (whatever the percentage of time comes to be) would be more likely to develop on its own.
• The best schedule is one that minimizes conflict and maximizes the children’s time with each parent.

Although maximizing parental time is very important, it should yield to the best interests of the children. And obviously, each parent’s differing views about what is or is not in the children’s best interests is one of the many contributors to child custody chaos. The desire for power and control are other major contributors.

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Posted by Michelle May O'Neil on May 16, 2011

          I came across an informative video clip today by Dr. Alisa Baer, also known as The Car Seat Lady. Dr. Alisa Baer explains the 5 key steps outlined in the new American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Car Seat Recommendations. These new guidelines were published on March 21, 2011.  It is important that you have the most up to date information to keep your child as safe as possible in the car.

The basic break down of these new guidelines is a 5 step tier system. Step one is “Rear-facing.” This tier is the safest for infants and toddlers in a car seat because it best protects from brain and spinal injury in the event of a crash.  This step is recommended until a child reaches the age of at least 2 years old. Note that children 12 years or younger should always ride in the back seat of a car. Step two is “Forward-facing” in a car seat. Step three is a “Booster Seat.” Step four is forward facing in the back seat with a “Shoulder/Lap Belt.” Step five is the “Front Seat” with a shoulder/lap belt. This fifth step is the least safe for your child and should not be rushed into.

In this video, Dr. Baer explains all of the new recommended steps and their safety aspects, including proper car seat and seat belt placement and car seat harnessing, along with helpful graphics.

To watch the video click this link: http://vimeo.com/21282791. You can also get more information from The Car Seat Lady at www.thecarseatlady.com.

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Posted by Michelle May O’Neil on May 2, 2011

The United States Supreme Court long ago decided that matters concerning the management of the family were best handled by the states and their courts rather than the federal judiciary. For that reason, it is fairly rare for domestic relations cases to be decided by the Supreme Court of the United States. When it comes to family matters, only when questions affecting the U.S. Constitution arise does it warrant the highest court in our country getting involved.

Last week, this rare occurrence did happen in two separate matters, both in the state of Washington. The Supreme Court heard argument in two cases: Camreta v. Greene and Alford v. Greene, 588 F.3d 1011 (9th Cir 2009).  Both were heard in that state’s federal court and both cases were then appealed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9^th Circuit which covers the western United States. The U.S. Supreme Court decided that these cases warranted attention because there were important constitutional issues involved, 131 S. Ct. Reptr 456,457 (2010).

It is a commonly known fact that we all have freedom from unreasonable search and seizure by government personnel. This usually applies to police investigating what they believe to be a crime, but is applicable to any government personnel. In the late 1890s the United States also adopted the view that people have the right to privacy. In addition, the U.S. Supreme Court has consistently held that people have the primary right to raise children in accordance with their wishes and that government interference in family matters will be subject to the highest scrutiny.

The two cases argued last week involve government investigations into allegations that children were being abused by a parent. There are few subjects more problematic than family child abuse. This is due to several factors, one of which is the issue that children are usually unreliable witnesses. But as these two cases properly observe; they are usually the only witnesses where parental abuse is alleged. Another issue is that the parent who is not the subject of the allegations faces the worst dilemma a human being can endure. We may not love, or even like our spouse anymore, but it is rare that an attitude would develop toward that person that would allow for the thought to be entertained of a parent actually being capable of physically abusing their own flesh and blood.  

In the Greene case it seems investigators were contacted by the school of a seven year old child. The school had information suggesting the Father might have sexually abused the child. Before any warrant was obtained and without notifying either of the child’sparents that an investigation was underway, a law enforcement official and an employee from the county agency designated to investigate such allegations went to the child’s school to interview the child.

Although the child gave conflicting statements as to what occurred, as is often the case, the state prosecuted anyway. Ultimately, the Father was acquitted. At that time the mother sued the state for invading her child’s privacy and conducting an unreasonable search of her daughter without permission of either parent.

The question for the Court to decide is whether government officials have the right to interview your child without your permission, a warrant, court order or other exigent circumstances where it would be impossible to get those forms of permission. In this case, the individuals who did the interviews were state welfare officials and police officers. In theory, however, teachers, principals and guidance counselors are government officials, as well, so the decision could have a far wider impact than just the law enforcement community. In the second case, it was the child welfare authorities who questioned the child, not the police.

There are difficult questions associated with these types of scenarios.  If a child witnessed an accident or was the victim of a crime not committed by a parent is parental permission or a warrant required to interview the child? The child is not the same person as the parent. Is there a higher level of due process required because the parent is an alleged perpetrator?  

We live in an age when any parent could find themselves in a situation where a child gets angry as a result of an altercation with their parent and complains to school officials. The school officials are required to report to law enforcement anything that they reasonably believe constitutes abuse. It puts school personnel in a precarious position as young children, in particular, are highly impressionable and not the best reporters of facts.

These allegations are very, very serious and have both custodial and criminal implications that are quite far-reaching. If you find yourself in this position, seek independent advice from an attorney before responding to any allegation that you have done harm to a child; even if you regard the allegation as frivolous.

Hat tip to Mark Ashton for his March 9, 2011 post

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1. Be actively involved with your kids' activities. Spend your time with them in their element. Be a coach or a leader for their sports or other activities. Attend their performances and games. Volunteer. Cheer for them. Help with their homework. Read to and with them. Play with them! You can do different things with kids at each age.

2. Appropriately compliment kids for their good effort or results. You don't have to say nice things only if they "win". Give them positive support for their effort and encourage them to keep trying. Winning is great, but it's also fun just to play. Make sure the kids know that you are proud of them whether they win or loose.

3. Appropriately compliment the other parent. Make nice comments to the other parent and around the kids.  You don’t have to lie or be insincere, but there's always something nice you can say. If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything.

4. Focus on the good. Whether it is your child’s grades, an art project, effort in cleaning their rooms, riding a bike, playing well with others, etc. let them know that you are pleased with them. At any age, you can find something a child is doing well and show appreciation. If you reinforce good behavior by complimenting it you are more likely to see it more often. Don't dwell on what a child is doing wrong all the time. Give them something to remember that you praised them for and they will strive for it.

5. Encourage kids to volunteer and serve others. Making a spirit of volunteerism and helping a part of the kids' upbringing, so that it seems a natural and normal part of life, is one of the best things you can do for kids. Everyone, at some time, will need help from others. It's a good idea to "pay it forward" --donate help in advance.

6. Talk about the best part of the day with your kids. It helps them (and you) focus on the good things that happen. You and your children will feel better if you think about the positive things, rather than just dwelling on what went wrong during the day. Developing this habit can help elevate everyone's mood.

7. Remember that kids see what you do and hear what you say. They really pay attention to what you do and say (and how you say it). You will probably see some of your actions and habits in their behavior. You certainly want to see your children doing good things, so you need to set an appropriate example. Try to be a good role model in the things you say and do.

8. Learn to appreciate kids' music, books and games. Not everything they like is going to be worth while, but it is too easy for parents to overlook or downplay kids' culture. Parents should look for what matters in their kids' lives. If you show a genuine interest in your kids' activities and interests, you can be more of a factor in their lives. You will be better able to relate to them and enjoy time with them.

9. Encourage friendships and sharing. This can be done in part by setting a good example, but you may have to explain things to children periodically about sharing as they get older. Do what you can to make it possible for them to do things with their peers so they can develop friendships. Equally as important, don't put up barriers that inhibit the kids from being able to participate in activities with friends who are important to them.

10. Be a good host. When your kids want to have friends over, make it possible. You may need to have a supervisory role, which will vary according to the age of the children, but help your children out when you can. Get to know their friends and welcome them to your home. It's always better to have them hanging out at your house as apposed to roaming the streets.

Hat tip to Dick Price for his December 1, 2008 post

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Children are the innocent victims of divorce.  Sometimes they blame themselves for the family's breakup and try to "fix" it.  Children need to be reminded that, just because mom and dad are getting a divorce, that does not mean that they don't both love the children.  Also, they need to be reassured that just because one of the parents is leaving the household, does not mean they are leaving the child.

A Kid's Guide to Divorce is a website that I found from a post from Michael Sherman of AlabamaFamilyLawBlog.  This website is a wonderful resource aimed at children of divorce.  The website says, "Sometimes the feelings kids have about their parents' divorce are so strong that kids have a hard time concentrating on anything else.  When kids are very sad, mad, or worried, they may have trouble paying attention in class..."  Not only is this website insightful, it is especially important because it is aimed at kids on their level.  There's also an article on Living With A Stepparent, Being Adopted, What Should I Do If My Family Fights, and Why Am I So Sad.  For every parent going through a divorce with kids, this webiste is a must read for both the parents and the children.

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