Divorce Therapy for Parents: How to help your children

Posted on June 13, 2011 by Michelle O'Neil

Posted by Michelle May O'Neil

It's never too late to do what's in the best interests of your children.

Like many promises, commitments, and agreements, wedding vows often don't seem to be worth the words spoken or the paper they're printed on. However, once a child is brought into the world, that is permanent. And just as "with power comes responsibility," "with children comes moral responsibility" to parent them to have the best chance for a good life and, need I remind you, one which he or she never asked to be born into.

Divorce therapy for divorcing couples with children is quite simple, if parents take the well-being of their children seriously, show their commitment through actions vs. mere words, and can let go of needing to be right in order to do what's right for the child.

It rests on the usual consensus between parents that an 18-year-old entering the world/college/work force with the characteristics of Child A has a much better chance for a good life than Child B as described below.

Child A

Child B

Focused

Scattered

Resilient

Quits

Persistent

Bails

Passionate

Bored

Goal-oriented

No Goals

Handles Disappointment Well

Is Easily Upset

Doesn't Take Self Too Seriously

Hypersensitive

Coachable

Know-it-all

It also rests on a shared belief that a child's personality is built largely upon nature (genetics and temperament) and nurture (parenting in early years, social factors in later years) and that nurture through parenting is much more modifiable than is nature.

Other factors that are pointed out but are not generally known by parents (although usually agreed with when explained) are that a child's well being and sense of security are greatly affected by the cooperative, mutually respectful, and enjoyed relationship between the parents. It is not solely determined by the parents' relationship with the children.

A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.

There is ample research from child development studies to support this, not to mention asking each parent the effect that their parents' relationship had on each of them.

Developmental psychologists have gone so far as to say that the cooperative and collaborative relationship between parents has a long-lasting effect on the child's own minds and personality, especially with regard to how his or her emotions and logic work together or fight each other. Some psychologists say that arguing between parents is not as detrimental as arguments that never are clearly and fully resolved. That state of "nothing gets better" or "same old thing again" can cause many children to develop a predisposition to anxiety (that the non-resolution will escalate to something worse) or depression (that mom and dad don't seem to like each other).

Divorce Therapy Made Simple has three steps. Family law attorneys or the court usually direct the couple to attend therapy together.

Step 1: Both parents agree and accept that at age 18, a child with the characteristics of Child A is in a much better position to have a good life than Child B.

Step 2: Both parents agree that how the child is nurtured/parented/raised and how the parents interact with each other have a significant influence on raising a child to become either Child A or Child B and that they have a moral responsibility to do right by their child.

Step 3: Each parent needs to make a compelling and convincing case for what they're asking for (regarding living arrangements, custody, and co-parenting) and how it will result in a Child A rather than a Child B. If they can't make such a case for a request with regard to the children, it will be dismissed by the therapist as irrelevant.

Out of these meetings, actionable and observable behaviors are agreed upon that will positively affect their children. The results of such meetings, either positive or negative regarding the co-parenting skills of the parents, may be given back to the attorneys or court in the form of a written report and/or verbal testimony or deposition.

Hat tip to Mark Goulston for this article. He is also the bestselling author of four books.
 
For more articles on divorce and therapy, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Therapy
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Divorce Over 50: 3 Mistakes to Avoid

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Michelle O'Neil

Posted by Michelle May O'Neil on June 6, 2011

While the overall divorce rate has decreased slightly over the past two decades, for those over 50 it has doubled.  Paradoxically, experts chalk the increase up to baby boomers' affinity for marriage in the first place. More older people are on their second and third marriages by the time they hit 50 and those are marriages that are less likely to last.

Regardless of first, second or eighth, the stakes are higher for couples in their 50s, 60s and 70s. By the time most people are 50, they have a long work history, own some real estate, have a retirement account, life insurance and more – in which case, it's critical to get the best settlement possible.

Here are some mistakes particularly common to the over-50 set, all of which can lead to a lower-than-deserved settlement or make you pay your ex more than you should.
 

Mistake 1: Ignoring taxes on retirement funds

For those over 50, 401(k)s and other pre-tax retirement accounts may be the most significant asset other than the family home. That makes it essential that both sides understand their true value, which is actually considerably less than the balance. Because the money's taxed upon withdrawal, the real value of the account is only about 65% of what the statement says. This miscalculation can hurt, especially in community property states like California, Texas, Arizona and Nevada, where divorcing couples often split assets evenly: One spouse takes the house, the other takes the retirement fund and savings accounts, which may look equivalent on paper. Lawyers suggest negotiating for a larger portion of other shared savings to make the trade more equitable.


Mistake 2: Overvaluing alimony, undervaluing Social Security

Whether a couple is retired or still working, monthly income may actually be more important than the division of hard assets. Alimony, which may be awarded to the spouse who earns less or has been out of the workforce for some time, is one of the most common ways divorce settlements compensate for discrepancies in a couple's income. But banking on monthly payments from an ex-spouse gets riskier every year after 50, as the chance of them dying increases.  One way to protect yourself, is to get a life insurance policy on your ex. It's not enough to be the beneficiary on your former spouses' life insurance plan -- he or she can change that at any time. You want to own the policy outright.

On the other hand, Social Security is often undervalued in divorce negotiations. If the couple was married for at least 10 years, one spouse is entitled to the benefits of the other at age 62 – as long she/he remains unmarried. A person who makes less than his or her spouse will want to claim the higher-earning spouses' Social Security, as it will be worth more. If your spouse has a claim to your benefits, remember to figure that amount into negotiations for alimony or other payments.

Mistake 3: Forgetting about the kids

Older couples have older children – teenagers, college students, or even independent adults – which means custody battles may not be as pitched, if they exist at all. That doesn't mean there aren't issues. To prevent conflagrations down the road, make a plan to ensure that the assets being passed along to the children are set up appropriately so that your children, rather than, say, your ex's future spouse or your kids' new wife, get the money. For starters, create a "lifetime asset protection trust" for your kids to protect the assets in case they, too, get divorced. The trust will keep your kid's ex-spouse - or anyone else - from receiving any of the money you leave behind for them.

One expert suggests, if you have children under age 18, "it's really important to have the guardian of the children … be separate and distinct from the guardian of the money." That may seem counter-intuitive, and in reality, each spouse will control some money, but both money and children can be manipulated in messy divorces. Splitting those responsibilities and obligations can create a system of checks and balances.

Hat tip to Catey Hill for her March 23, 2011 article on Smartmoney.com
 
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So you want sole custody?? Part Two

Posted on October 2, 2009 by Nathan Anderson

In my previous post I talked about the various terms used in Texas courts regarding child custody.  I also stated that the best interest of the child is the first priority for any Texas court presented in a conservatorship and/or possession determination.  In this post, I'll continue our discussion by looking at the factors courts consider in determining what is in the best interest of a child (i.e., the Holly Factors). 

The first main category a court will assess is the parent's ability to care for the child.  Generally speaking the following seven factors are frequently considered:

  • Which parent will best provide for the child's physical, psychological, and emotional needs now and in the future?
  • Does either parent pose any physical or emotional danger to the child now or in the future?
  • Which parent will present the most stability for the child?
  • What are the parents' plans for the child?
  • What level of cooperation exists between the parents? 
  • What are the parenting skills of each parent?
  • Which parent was the child's primary caregiver before the divorce was filed?

The second main category to be assessed is maintaining family relationships.  Generally, the following six factors are considered:

  • The child's desires (if the child is 12 years of age or greater)
  • The geographic proximity of the parents and other family members
  • If divided or split conservatorship is requested, the court can consider what effect separation would have on the siblings
  • The extent to which each parent can encourage and accept a positive relationship between the child and the other parent
  • Whether any parent ever knowingly made a false report of child abuse
  • Whether there is a need for measures to protect the child from being abducted to a foreign country. 

The last main category deals with parental fitness.  In this category there are mandatory factors and optional factors the court considers.  The three mandatory factors are: 

  • Whether there is any credible evidence of a history or pattern of past or present child neglect or physical or sexual abuse by one parent against the other, a spouse, or a child
  • Whether there is any evidence of the intentional use of of abusive physical force by a parent against the other or any person under 18 years of age that is committed while the suit is pending or in the two years before the suit was filed
  • Whether there has been a commission of family violence

The following are optional factors for the court to consider as they relate to the parties to the suit:

  • Each parent's present fitness to care for the child (including recent past conduct that is a reasonable predictor of current fitness)
  • Whether either parent has a drug or alcohol problem
  • Whether either parent's sexual conduct renders that parent unfit to act as a parent (for example, if a parent has pornography that is accessible to the child)

It is also a comfort to a lot of our clients that the court can NOT consider the following factors: 

  • Martial status (although a parent's marital status cannot be used by itself to determine who should be appointed as the child's conservator, court's can consider a parent's marital stability)
  • Gender
  • Race
  • Religion (except if the religion requires the parent to engage in illegal, immoral or harmful activities).

Although this may seem like a short list of factors, there are several nuances to each factor listed.  Now that we have the basic terms down and an understanding of what the Holly Factors are, in my next post I'll discuss the presumptions that apply is conservatorship determination and how they impact a party's desire for "sole custody." 

 

 

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Child Success Linked to Stability

Posted on September 11, 2009 by Michelle O'Neil

Most family law lawyers in Dallas Texas or nearby areas already know this....  the success of a child depends less upon whether the parents are married to each other as it depends on the stability of the child's environment.  Minimizing the child's exposure to changes in living situation, experiencing the divorce of the child's parents, or being dragged through a custody case create instability that cause children long-term effects.  Further, frequent moves, introducing multiple romantic partners, and switching schools can also be factors in increasing instability and decreasing the success of children. 

Consider this news item I read about today:

The advantage that children get from living in two-parent families may actually be due to family stability more than the fact that their parents are married. A new study finds that children who who are born and grow up in stable single-parent homes generally do as well as those in married households in terms of academic abilities and behavior problems.

"Many of the studies that show an advantage for children who grow up in married households versus those who grow up with single parents don't distinguish between family structure and family stability," said Claire Kamp Dush, author of the study and assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University."Our results suggest that the key for many children is growing up in a stable household, where they don't go through divorce or other changes in the family - whether that is in a single-parent home or a married home."

This study examined children who were born to always-single mothers - not those whose mothers were single as a result of a divorce, she said. Kamp Dush said she is not suggesting that there are no advantages for children living in two-parent homes. Particularly for black families, the study did find ways in which children did better with two parents. However, careful study suggests that white and Hispanic children can do well living in single-parent homes if they have a stable home environment.

The study appears as a chapter in the new book "Marriage and Family: Perspectives and Complexities" (Columbia University Press), which Kamp Dush edited with H. Elizabeth Peters, professor of policy analysis and management and director of the population program at Cornell University.

For her study, Kamp Dush used data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, a nationally representative survey of people nationwide conducted by Ohio State's Center for Human Resource Research. Men and women aged 14 to 22 in 1979 were interviewed annually from 1979 to 1994, and once every two years from 1996 forward. The NLSY also studied these participants' children and Kamp Dush used detailed information gathered on these children, who were between the ages of 4 and 15 between 1986 and 2004.

The full sample for her study included 4,910 mothers and 11,428 children. She analyzed data on four variables for the children: reading and math test scores; a measure of behavioral problems; and a measure of home environment, which looked at levels of cognitive stimulation and emotional support.

But rather than comparing children based simply on whether they lived with married parents versus single parents, Kamp Dush examined family stability, as well. Stable single parent families were defined as those where the children always lived only with the single parent. Stable married families were those in which the children always lived with their married parents. Unstable families were those in which children underwent some transition in their parenting.

In one analysis, Kamp Dush matched pairs of mothers who were similar in nearly every way - including family stability -- except one was married and one was not. She then examined how their children fared. Results showed that for white and Hispanic children from stable single-parent and married families, there was no significant difference in math and reading test scores. However, black children had lower test scores if they lived in a single parent home than if they lived in a married home.

There were no significant differences in behavior problems for children of any race if they lived in stable single-parent homes or in stable married households. The only consistent advantage among all races for children in married households was a better home environment in terms of cognitive stimulation and emotional support.

Overall, Kamp Dush said the results deliver good news to single parents who provide a stable home environment for their children.

"I don't think we can say that growing up in a stable single parent home is necessarily worse than growing up with two married parents," she said.

The issue is especially important because the federal government promotes "healthy" marriage for single mothers under its Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program - the aid program that replaced welfare in 1996.

"Based on this study, we can't say for sure that marriage will be a good thing for the children of single mothers - particularly if that marriage is unhealthy and does not last," she said.

Other research suggests that single mothers in the TANF program would be at great risk of divorce if they did get married, because of their lower levels of education, lower income and the fact that they have a child. And a divorce would cause the family instability that truly does have negative consequences for children.

"My message to single moms is to think carefully before they decide to get married or live with a partner," she said. "Both romantic relationships and parenting are hard work. Unless you think that you and your partner can make it for the long haul, I think it would be better for single moms to avoid moving in with romantic partners. Family transitions are hard for kids."

The study was supported in part by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.

Source:
Claire Kamp Dush
Ohio State University
 

Read this article on the Medical News Today website.

Hat tip to WFAA news tonight for alerting me to this .

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