Should you change your name in your divorce?

mynameYou’ve been known as “Mrs. So-and-so” for a long time during your marriage. You went by a different name prior to your marriage. Who should you be after your divorce?

Many women see their married name as a tie to the man they want to be done with, so they want to be rid of the name when they are rid of the man. Many ex-husband’s want their name back, as if it is a possession, because of the bad feelings from the divorce.

Many women want to keep the same name as their children because it is easier when dealing with schools and travelling. Also, many women build up a professional reputation during the marriage using the married name, which they want to keep after the divorce.

The bottom line is that the choice to change the name or keep the married name is the woman’s choice alone.  The husband has zero say in which choice she makes. Each woman may have her own good reasons why she makes her choice.


See related article: The Name Game

Divorce filings surge in January

january-Divorce-300x150As people make new year’s resolutions to start their new year with a clean slate, some of the best Dallas, Texas family lawyers, as well as family law attorneys across the United States, report a rise of nearly one-third of new divorce filings in January. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers confirms a spike of 25-30% according to a survey of their members. New year’s resolutions are spurred on by a stressful holiday season and maybe even the stress of too much family time. Similar trends are seen in the U.K., where one survey reports that one in five couples plan to divorce after the holidays.

If you are planning to divorce in the new year, one of the most important self-help steps you can take is to become familiar with the financial situation of your marriage. Get an up-to-date assessment of all of the financial accounts owned together or separately. Keeping copies of records given to the CPA when preparing taxes can also provide fertile areas for inspection to make sure that all financial information is addressed in the divorce.

Because divorce is one of the biggest financial decision people make, it is important not to make the decision when you are tired or emotional. Be smart and evaluate your end game – make sure you know the full situation and the consequences from a financial perspective of the decisions you are about to make.

Sometimes, even though the emotional situation of a marriage may be troublesome, divorce may not be the best answer. Frequently one spouse carries the health insurance, which will no longer be available to the other spouse after divorce. For a spouse who needs the health insurance and is not able to affordably get an individual policy, this can be a crucial decision factor.

See related article Divorce lawyers: 30% more couples terminate their marriage in January from

How to co-parent with an unreasonable ex

familyIf you and your ex could get along perfectly well, you probably wouldn’t have needed a divorce in the first place. But once the divorce is over being able to co-parent with your ex is crucial to moving forward for you and your children. What happens if your ex is unreasonable or vindictive and you just can’t get along?

Here are some strategies for co-parenting in less than ideal relationships:

  1. Avoid using the children as tools for revenge – sometimes parents, maybe even without realizing it, withhold the other parent’s access to the child out of anger about the personal relationship. This is always a bad idea. The children usually know the real deal, so it is just making the bad actor parent look even worse to the children. In responding to the revenge parenting, it is best to respond with a positive attitude at all times, even go to the extreme in exuding positivity. For example, if one parent feigns a child’s illness to withhold access, reply “Thank you for letting me know so I can be prepared. I will have soup ready at home when we get there.”
  2. Don’t give the other parent ammunition – Be reliable, be on time, and bite your tongue. Don’t speak negatively in front of the children or to the children about your ex. If switching schedules triggers conflict, then do everything you can do stick to the written schedule without changes.
  3. Don’t use the children as messengers – as much as you don’t want to have direct communication with your ex that might lead to conflict, don’t put your children in that position either. Keep adult conversations between the adults.
  4. Consider using a third party to facilitate communication – If communication with your ex is impossible, try getting a family member or friend to run interference. Or ask your attorney to have a Parent Facilitator appointed to be the go between for communication about important issues.
  5. Reduce direct contact with your ex – Once your custody orders are in place, there should be very little need for direct communication with your ex unless there is a problem with the children. The custody orders spell out the details of who has the children when. If there’s a need for doctor visit or exchange of medicine, that communication can occur via text or email. And, stay on point. A program/app called Our Family Wizard is a good way to keep a record of all communication between you in a format that can easily be read by a judge or parent facilitator as well.

Proposed law will set back women’s rights 40 years

Divorce-rate2A state legislator from Fort Worth wants to make it harder to get a divorce in Texas. Rep. Matt Krause, R-Fort Worth, has filed a bill for the legislative session starting in January, proposing to require a party to state a fault reason for divorce or to remain separated for at least three years before finalizing the divorce. (See Lawmaker wants unhappy couples to live apart for 3 years before they can divorce Currently, Texas law allows parties to divorce on the grounds of insupportability — a no-fault finding — with only a 60 day waiting period. If the new law is passed, parties would have to say a reason for the divorce as opposed to a general statement that the parties relationship is irreconcilable. Or, to divorce on grounds of insupportability, they would have to separate for minimum of three years. Kraus thinks it should be more difficult to get a divorce and that the new law will strengthened the sanctity of marriage.

I seriously doubt that this law will pass. No-fault divorce has been in place since the 1970’s (when Texas’ family law code was created) and many people, including many of the currently serving state legislators, have divorced under the law. Instead of litigating over the question of which party caused the divorce, most parties currently just agree to irreconcilable differences and get on with the more important issues of parenting time and division of property.

If this law were to pass, I think it would have two unintended consequences. First, I think it would serve to raise the contentiousness of most divorces, raising the cost of an already expensive process. Second, it would have a chilling effect on many victims of domestic violence escaping their abusers.

In reference to the elimination of fault requirements in New York in 2010, Betsy Stephenson, an economist at the University of Pennsylvania who studies divorce, believes that no-fault divorce benefits women, particularly domestic violence victims. No-fault divorce laws lead to a 30% decrease in domestic violence because it makes it easier for the victim to escape their marriages. It also makes the abuser less likely to act because they are aware that their spouses would leave them. No-fault divorce also makes women less likely to commit suicide, says Stephenson. (See No Fault Divorce: good for women )

Some opponents of fault-divorce claim that no-fault divorce raises the likelihood of divorce and harms the sanctity of marriage. Quite the opposite, according to statistics. Actually, divorce rates began to rise in the 1950’s and peaked in the early 1980’s, all when fault-based divorce was still the majority. In the 1970’s to the present, as all states in the U.S. transitioned to no-fault divorce, the divorce rates have decreased. (Discussion at Religion News Service ).

If Texas were to pass this women-unfriendly bill, it would be the only state in the U.S. to require a fault finding to get divorce, setting back women’s rights by at least 40 years. (See

Best Interest of the child standard in Texas family law cases

The best interest of the child is the overarching factor in deciding Texas family law custody cases. The specifics of how a judge should approach examining the best interest of the child was first set out by the Texas Supreme Court in 1976 in the case of Holley v. Adams. The non-exclusive list of factors from that case include:

(1) the desires of the child;

(2) the emotional and physical needs of the child now and in the future;

(3) the emotional and physical danger to the child now and in the future;

(4) the parental abilities of the individuals seeking custody;

(5) the programs available to assist these individuals to promote the best interest of the child;

(6) the plans for the child by these individuals or by the agency seeking custody;

(7) the stability of the home or proposed placement;

(8) the acts or omissions of the parent that may indicate that the existing parent-child relationship is not a proper one; and

(9) any excuse for the acts or omissions of the parent.

Holley v. Adams, 54 S.W.2d 367 (Tex. 1976).

In an article from the December edition of the Texas Bar Journal, Judge Donald Dowd of Cass County cites to a publication by the American Bar Association – A Judge’s Guide: Making Child-Centered Decisions in Custody Cases for a list of some questions that an attorney can ask a client based on the age and development of the child to establish the best interest of the child.

Infant (birth to 18 months)

  1. How can the parent respond to the child’s needs in eating, sleeping, and bathing?
  2. Is the parent aware of things that could endanger an infant?
  3. Has the parent shown capability in supplying basic needs?
  4. How is a parent’s physical and psychological health?
  5. Does a parent have a substance abuse issue or medical problem? If so, has the issue been addressed?

Toddler (18 months to 5 years)

  1. What kinds of learning opportunities does the parent create for the child to master both physical and mental tasks, including language development?
  2. lf the parent is working, are day care arrangements carefully selected and monitored to ensure that a safe and stimulating environment is provided for the child?
  3. Does the parent provide sufficient opportunities for the child to socialize with other children and supervise these activities in order to ensure safety?
  4. Does the parent set expectations and rules that promote self-control and safety?
  5. How does each parent support the child’s relationship with the other parent?

Early Elementary School-Aged Child (5 to 7 years)

  1. How is the parent involved in the child’s community, school, and religious activities?
  2. Does the parent provide the child with time and a place to do homework, as well as provide assistance when needed?
  3. Does the parent communicate with teachers, coaches, and leaders?
  4. How does the parent handle academic difficulties that may require assessment, intervention, financial resources, and individual help?
  5. Knowing a child of this age experiences loyalty conflicts, does the parent assure the child of a loving relationship with the other parent?

Older Elementary School-Aged Child (8 to 10 years)

  1. How does the parent encourage the child’s need for productivity and self-reliance by supporting and facilitating involvement in activities?
  2. Does the parent seem to recognize the importance of peer friendships and foster these relationships?
  3. Is the parent aware of the child’s academic progress, mastery of material, completion of homework, and any behavioral difficulties in school?
  4. How does the parent minimize loyalty conflicts or prevent the child from feeling compelled to take sides?
  5. Does the parent avoid dwelling on financial or legal concerns with the child or within the child’s earshot?

Middle School-Aged Child (11 to 13 years)

  1. Is the parent able to contain hostility and negative discussion about the separation in the presence of the child?
  2. Does the parent recognize the younger adolescent’s sensitivity to criticism at this stage of self-doubt?
  3. How flexible and supportive is the parent of peer relationships and activities?
  4. How does the parent help the child remain organized and have a predictable study area and time, particularly between households?
  5. Does the parent know the younger adolescent’s friends and their parents?

Adolescent or High School-Aged Child (14 to 18 years)

  1. Does the parent support the adolescent’s participation in age appropriate activities, including financial, transportation, and psychological support?
  2. Does the parent attend events that the adolescent wants the parent to attend?
  3. How well informed is the parent of the adolescent’s school attendance, standardized and special testing, and history of report cards?
  4. Does the parent help the adolescent evaluate and assess decisions about the adolescent’s future and help the child plan financially?
  5. How does the parent discuss sexuality, healthy relationships, and other factors that may impact the adolescent, such as substance abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, and gangs?

Depending upon the age of the child, the attorney who gives the judge the answers to these questions in close cases such as these may give the client the slight edge needed to win the case.

New TV Show Divorce with Sarah Jessica Parker

Divorce TV showHave you seen the previews of the new television show Divorce with Sarah Jessica Parker coming soon to HBO? Here’s how one website describes the show: “Taking a hard look at love and marriage through a darkly comedic lens, Divorce is raw and uncomfortable at times… but it’s also one of the best new comedies of the year.”

Parker stars as Frances, a suburban wife and mother  of two teenagers,who finds herself increasingly irritated with everything her husband Robert (Thomas Haden Church) does. The way he hums along with Coldplay in the car. The way he repeats funny lines on TV instead of laughing at them. His mustache. And when their married friends Diane (Molly Shannon) and Nick (Tracy Letts) have a very public spat during a birthday party, that spurs Frances to make a decision that’s been years in the making: She wants a divorce. They proceed through a bitter, contested divorce.

Apparently, the storyline also has an element of class commentary with Frances and Robert clearly upper-middle-class. He’s a contractor and she’s an executive recruiter opening an art gallery, living in and idyllic, snow-covered neighborhood in upstate New York lined with beautiful homes. Insightfully, at one point, Frances asks in the aftermath of Diane and Nick’s fight, “How do you go from eight years of a happy marriage to wanting to blow someone’s head off?”

It will be interesting to see whether people are interested in watching other people go through a divorce. Most of the people that I know who go through it don’t want to relive it themselves or through the eyes of others. But maybe the writers and stars can make it relevant and not too depressing to make people want to watch it.

Divorce premieres on HBO on October 9th at 9:00 p.m. Here’s the link to the Divorce trailer.

What is adultery in Texas?


Adultery in a Texas divorce

This is another in my Super Simple FAQs series…

What is adultery in Texas?

Adultery is a legal term in Texas that means the voluntary sexual intercourse of a married person with one not the spouse. Texas Family Code § 6.003. Adultery does not have to occur pre-separation for it to be a ground for granting a divorce. In re Marriage of C.A.S. and D.P.S., 405 S.W.3d 373 (Tex. App. Dallas 2013). Even if a relationship with another person begun only after the separation of the spouses, that person may be found to have committed adultery.

Keep in mind that in Texas adultery requires sexual intercourse. Certain sexual encounters that are not specifically intercourse are not legally considered adultery. This marks the distinction between the legal term adultery versus the terms infidelity, cheating, or such. Exchanging sexually charged emails, photos, or texts with another person will not be adultery. Kissing, groping, petting, or even oral sex is not considered legally adultery.

And, adultery does not have to be prior to the separation of the parties, but can include relationships after separation but prior to divorce. In Texas, remember, you are married until you are divorced; there is no legal separation in Texas.

Adultery can cause a divorce to be granted in favor of one spouse or another, as opposed to being granted on no-fault grounds. Determining one party’s fault in the break-up of he marriage can then be used to support a disproportionate division of the community property between the parties. An adultery finding in Texas will not make a spouse eligible for alimony or spousal maintenance. An adultery finding alone will not change the outcome of child custody or conservatorship provisions either. As one judge put it, committing adultery may make you a bad spouse and give a reason for divorce, but it does not necessarily make you a bad parent.

What is visitation in Texas? What is the Texas Standard Possession Schedule?


Frequently Asked Questions

This is another post in my Super Simple FAQs series…

What is visitation in Texas?

Or What is the Texas Standard Possession Schedule?

In Texas, visitation is the loose term for the periods of possession of or access to children of parents who are no longer or never have been married to each other. Texas has certain guidelines in the law for visitation or periods of possession called the Texas Standard Possession Schedule. The first step in deciding who gets the children when is to look at who has been appointed the “primary parent” deciding the children’s primary residence. That person will have the child at all times not awarded to the secondary parent. The secondary parent will be presumed to have at least the Texas Standard Possession Schedule. A court may give more of less than the Texas Standard Possession Schedule based on the particular circumstances of the family.

There are three main categories within the Texas Standard Possession Schedule — possession for parents who live within 100 miles of each other, possession for parents who live more than 100 miles apart, and holiday possession periods that apply regardless of distance.

For parents who live within 100 miles of each other, the secondary parent will get the child every Thursday during the school year from 6 to 8 pm; every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of a month from Friday to Sunday; 30 days during the summer; and every other Spring Break. For parents who live more than 100 miles apart, the secondary parent may choose to have every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend, or that parent may elect to have one weekend a month at his or her choice with notice to the other parent of which weekend is chosen each month. Additionally, when the parents live far apart, the secondary parent will get 45 days with the child each summer and every Spring Break. Parents who live far apart do not get Thursday periods, for obvious reasons.

Holidays are shared between the parents, regardless of distance, with alternating periods for Thanksgiving, the first half of Christmas break, and the second half of Christmas break. One year, one parent will have Thanksgiving and the second half of Christmas break, which the other parent will have the first half of Christmas break. That will flip the next year. Each year, the  mother will have Mother’s Day weekend and the Father will have Father’s Day weekend. Other holidays such as Easter, July 4th, or Halloween are not addressed in the rules and therefore just follow with the other provisions of the schedule.

The secondary parent who lives within 100 miles has the right to choose certain expansions as to the Thursday and weekend periods of possession, requesting to pick up the child from school or return to school at the end of his or her period.

How to modify custody in Texas?


Frequently Asked Questions

This post is another in my Super Simple FAQs series….

How to modify custody in Texas?

Custody — or conservatorship — regarding a child in Texas can always by modified until the child turns 18. Once a court order has been entered regarding custody or conservatorship, a parent must prove that there has been a “material and substantial change of circumstances” regarding one of the parents or children that requires modification of the court order. And, the new order sought must be in the best interest of the child.

A  modification begins with the filing of a petition to modify the prior order. A modification proceeding generally follows the process for any other suit, including service of process, time to answer, and right to trial if an agreement cannot be reached.

The most common modification of custody or conservatorship orders involves a modification of child support. The “material change” may be the obligor parent getting a raise or better paying job, requiring an increase. Or, the obligor parent losing his or her job, requiring a decrease in the amount of child support. Other reasons to modify a conservatorship order in Texas may be to adjust the periods of each parent’s possession with the child to accommodate a changed work schedule or the child’s schedule. Sometimes one parent wishes to change the right to establish the primary residence of the child from one parent to the other.


How to get custody in Texas?


Frequently Asked Questions

This post is another in my Super Simple FAQs in Texas divorce laws.

How to get custody in Texas?

Custody in Texas is a loose term — the legal term is conservatorship. Conservatorship in Texas refers to the legal and physical relationship of each parent to a child. When parents have never married, the court can allocate the rights and duties regarding the child, as well as physical possession and financial support, between the parents. When parents are married to each other, this is unnecessary according to the law. But, when they get divorced  it becomes necessary to have the courts establish these parameters.

Texas Primary residence

In Texas, most parents are called “joint managing conservators”, meaning they have joint legal (but not necessarily physical) custody. They share in the decision-making regarding the child. However, Texas law requires that one of the joint conservators be given the “primary right to establish the child’s residence”. That parents is loosely termed the “primary parent” in Texas. Usually the parents agree to share the right to make other decisions, such as the right to make educational decisions or the right to make medical decisions regarding the child. If the parents show a tendency to disagree about decisions, these rights can be allocated exclusively to one parent.

Texas Possession periods

The physical custody of the child involves splitting up the time the child will spend with each parent. In Texas, this starts with the Texas Standard Possession Schedule, but the parents can agree to do something different. Or, if the Texas standard schedule does not work for a family, the court can craft a different schedule.

Texas Child support

Lastly, custody includes financial support of the child. One parent usually pays child support and provides health insurance for the child. Child support is determined in Texas based on a percentage of the paying parent’s net income up to the first $8550/month of income. The parents will also share the uninsured medical expenses between them.